You almost had me at "...not putting up with your bullshit this year"

All things considered, I'm a pretty nice person.  I, like thousands of others, have plenty of reasons not to be, but I don't wear them like a badge of honor and I certainly don't use them to justify poor behaviour.  If anything, I push them down, paste on a smile, and pretend that I'm as average and bland as others.

Apparently, that made someone forget my past, and during a discussion that I decided not to participate in, they said "It's a new year and I am NOT putting up with your bullshit this year," which almost left me speechless.  Why?  Because I do a lot for this person.  I mean a fuck of a lot.  If I exited their life, it would suffer in immeasurable ways, and I don't even say that to pat myself on the back.  It's a fact.  And knowing how much I do for them, and how much I tolerate, that phrase hit me wrong.  It did, however, give me pause, and cause wheels to start turning in my head that I thought were going to do something positive for me.  I thought... fuck you.  You want to see bullshit?  Let me show you bullshit, watch the bullshit when I put some much needed distance between us!  Yeah!

Instead, I found myself outside my home, head raised triumphantly in the sky, inhaling the brisk air, tears streaming down my face, and one clear thought in my head...

This is a beautiful day to die.

I was shocked at how easy it was for me to go to that place, because it's usually a thought in the background daily, but it never gets legs.  That day, it had legs, and it was dancing.

I decided that wasn't an option, although I bet that last breath is so fucking freeing... and I decided to tell this person in my life some truths that they didn't know.  I told them that the tone in their voice when they speak to me, every time they speak to me, sounds and feels like they hate me and they always have.  I told them things that I was afraid to ever reveal to anyone, let alone a family member.  And I watched her eyes rim with tears, and realized that I had finally said something she understood.

"If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry."  That's what she said to me.  And I couldn't take it in, because no one ever apologizes to me for anything.  Things are done and I'm expected to accept that this person had a momentary utterance that they didn't mean and forgive them.  I still can't take it in, and maybe that's why I have a hard time healing old wounds.

Life is funny that way.