"You should just kill yourself."
I've been hearing this phrase whispered in my ear since childhood. Never that phrase exactly, but they all add up to the same thing. Kill yourself.
When I was a child, I thought I was somehow being given instructions on what I should do. And I tried, half heartedly. Overdose of NyQuil at age 9, wrist cutting, taking heart medication that wasn't mine, walking up the loop of a parking garage hoping to get hit by a car, thoughts of driving into oncoming traffic, or off a bridge... one that landed me in ICU for 3 days. The older I get the more I kinda think... damn, is this your only job, to convince me to remove myself from the planet? Your boss must think you suck. I must be pretty damn important to the World if you want me to off myself, I think I'll stick around and see how this plays itself out.
That's most days.
Then on the days when stress gets to me, or my friends demand too much of me, or I look around at my life and think "Damn, this sucks," the whispers get louder. I'm not schizo, I don't hear actual voices, but that's the best way I can explain the lifelong suicidal thoughts.
Some days, like today, its easy to laugh at. I'm all for being that person who goes against something stupid that I'm being told to do. Fuck the Establishment and other nonsense. On the days when it's not so easy, mostly all I can think is "Why me?" Those days it takes all my mental abilities to stay the course.
Depression is funny that way. It requires so much effort to make it through the day without being in a dark place. And it's Hell when people don't understand that you're struggling. It's even worse when you struggle with a dazzling smile.
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